Felicia’s Night Job

I’m also really enjoying the flash fiction right now. There’s something absolutely satisfying about doing these bite size stories. I still crave a bigger overarching story that these can’t really provide, but they’re fun to do, and can be a nice change of pace.

First line was from the generator at https://writingexercises.co.uk/firstlinegenerator.php


Photo by eduardo froza on Unsplash

            The door slowly opened and revealed the scene beyond.  There was blood everywhere in the kitchen.  It even somehow had reached the ceiling enough that it had dripped back down below.  The source of all of the blood was lying on the floor next to the countertop, positively swimming in blood.  The knife was set against leaning against the body, soaked in blood.

            “I swear that this isn’t what it looks like!’  the man said.

            Felicia snorted at the man’s feeble defense. “It looks either the two of you got into an argument, one thing led to another, then you stabbed her like a hundred times.  Or your wife just ended up with a case of spontaneous exsanguination.” 

            “It was an accident, I swear!”

            “I don’t care!”  Felicia said, spinning around to glare at the man.  “I have no moral interests in what happened here.  My only interest is that you’ve made a mess, and you are gonna pay me a shitton of money to clean it up for you.”

            “Of course, and I do have that for you.” he replied nervously, pointing to a purse in the next room.

            Felicia went to investigate the purse.  She dumped out the contents onto the table, took off a glove and thumbed through the stack of money.  “This is just a down payment.  With the mess you made, it’s going to cost you another ten grand.  This is an all night job here.”

            “I can’t do that!  Not on short notice!  If you give me some time, I can get it together.  But short notice, I can’t do that without drawing attention to myself.”

            Felicia laughed, pointing to the bloody kitchen.  “This kind of mess isn’t the kind that you want to set in.  Give it a few days, and you’ll have to rip everything out to get rid of it.  And that rotting smell will never leave you.”

            “You can’t let that happen!  I’m a good person,  I don’t deserve to be punished for this.  It was an accident, and I lost control.  It happens all the time.”

            Felicia sighed.  “If you’re desperate enough, I do offer a budget package, After all, I’m already here, and some money is better than no money.”

            “Yes, I’ll do anything!”  the client said, his voice full of desperation.

            “Good.  But you’re gonna have to work for it.  First up, you can help me bring in the tubs from my truck.  Fortunately, I always bring extra gear for these occasions.  Plus, it always helps to have someone to help push the body through the woodchipper.”

            “Oh God, I can’t do that!”  the client replied, horrified.

            “Oh, relax.  I’m just joking.  She’s actually going to be buried, got a grave ready to go and everything.  It’ll be real respectful, you could even say a few words, if you’d like.  Or do a little dance, whatever you feel in the moment.”

            Together, Felicia and the client backed her truck into the garage and unloaded her cleaning supplies into the dining room.  She quickly put her gear on, while the client struggled with the gear.  While he was finishing up, she took a camera and photographed the everywhere that blood had splattered in the kitchen, even opening up all of the cabinets and drawers, looking for splatter.

            “What the hell are you doing?”  the client asked once he realized what Felicia was doing.

            “Oh, relax.  Just like you, it’s dumb as hell.”  Felicia replied with a smirk at the client.  “It’s just for tonight, to make sure that everything gets taken care of.  After that, the camera, and everything else I’ve used today, gets destroyed to dashes.  I am a professional after all.  Now hurry it up.  This corpse isn’t going to wrap itself up!”

            Once the client was finally ready, they wrapped up the body up in a tarp and taped it shut, moving it into the truck.  Then they got to work on the kitchen, mopping up the blood and treating it with Felicia’s proprietary cleaning formula.  Felicia worked happily, even humming to herself as she worked.  The client, on the other hand, was absolutely inept with a sponge, somehow able to make more of a mess.

            Once Felicia looked over and noticed the client’s uselessness, she stopped humming and scowled.  “You know, this would be so much easier if she had been the one to off you instead.  It seems obvious that she was the one who cleaned house.  I might even have given her an extra discount.”

            The client froze, staring in shock at Felicia.  “Why would you even say that?  What’s wrong with you?”

            Felicia laughed.  “When you hire a professional to help you clean up a body, it kinda goes without saying that it isn’t gonna be a normal, well-adjusted person doing it.  Now hurry it up.  We only have a few hours until daylight.  And I have a kid’s birthday party to go to this morning.”

            The client stared in shock for a moment before he went back to work, deciding that it was better not to ask anymore questions.  Eventually, Felicia started humming again.

            As it started to near sunrise, they two had nearly reached Felicia’s exacting standards.  Every inch of the kitchen had been cleaned twice over, and the knife had been disassembled and absolutely soaked in cleaning solution, and they had removed their protective gear.  She used the camera, checking off every spot that she had found blood before she declared it to be done.  She set out the regular mop and handed it to the client, who had become fascinated with staring at the murder weapon.

            “Do a once over with the mop after I leave. Just so the soap covers up my chemicals a little bit.  It shouldn’t matter, but it’s better to be safe.”

            “Of course,” the client said, not taking eyes from the knife.

            Felicia grabbed her last tub and headed for the garage.  “It’s been a pleasure doing business with you.  Please, think of me the next time that you murder your wife.  I love repeat business!”

            As Felicia climbed into her truck, she heard a crashing sound from inside the house, followed by a sharp cry of pain.  She looked to her keys, then looked back to the entrance and sighed, heading back inside to investigate.

            There was blood everywhere in the kitchen.  It even somehow had reached the ceiling and it was dripping down below.  The was in almost the exact same position that his wife had been in.  The floor was wet from the mop and the knife had slid on the floor almost into the dining room.  Somehow, the client had managed to slip, fall onto the knife and slice open an artery.

            Felicia stared down at her former client’s body, trying to decide if it would be better to leave him or cover up another death.  Finally, she broke down into a fit of laughter.  “Well, I guess I should’ve believed it when you said that your wife was an accident.”


Okay, I’m kind of in love with Felicia as a character right now. She’s a chipper mess of contradictions and something close to pure id. I’m going to have to find a place for her somewhere. I don’t think that she’s ever going to be a protagonist, but she would be an extremely fun side character. Not even about her night job, but I’m sure that she must have a fascinatingly messed up life.

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